How Undiagnosed ADHD Has Affected My Life… Diagnosed Aged 27

‘People are way too different for everyone to follow one specific mold.’

ALWAYS IN MY HEAD

ADHD is surely one of the most misunderstood conditions. Why do I always have to have the most misunderstood conditions? Like my stomach issues and food sensitivities that people have actually rolled their eyes at. Maybe everything is misunderstood unless you have been through it yourself and then your experience is always going to be different from someone else's. There’s no way you can fully understand someone else’s perspective.

Most of us already are under the impression that ADHD is a condition that is only prevalent in hyperactive kids who watch too much TV and eat too much sugar. That stereotype is actually fed to us by the media and other people. Most people who I have told initially thought that. Heck, even I thought that. My own ignorance bit me hard when I found out that I have this condition too. A 27 year old fairly quiet, introverted, woman has ADHD? Surely this is not possible. Well, I better get into telling you the story of how I ended up sat in a psychiatrists office, heart pounding and trying to answer questions about myself that I have hardly revealed to anyone.

MY HAPPY PLACE

I’ve struggled through a lot of my life and I’ve always felt different to others around me. I often felt that I was not meant for this world. I have always had a hard time managing my emotions. When I got my Mum to answer some questions as part of my diagnosis she said I was always quiet and enjoyed reading and writing and had tantrums into my teens. Little does anyone know that I had these still into adulthood but they aren’t tantrums they are meltdowns when life gets too hard. I get so frustrated and overwhelmed that I end up breaking down regularly. This always leads to anxiety and depression. I need time completely alone regularly otherwise I can’t breathe.

WARNING: Childhood photos no one asked for coming up

GUESS WHICH ONE IS ME

MOODY

MOODY AND DOING MY OWN THING

SKEGGY WITH MY FAMILY

BRAIDS WERE MY THING AND I STILL WISH IT WAS ACCEPTABLE FOR ADULTS TO HAVE THEM

I never understood why I was always exhausted and overwhelmed with normal life. Everyone else (seemed) to have it so together yet here was I struggling to get through a day. At school I was super quiet and only talked to a few friends and that was all I could handle. They were super kind and non judgemental and these were the only types of people I really liked. I blamed my issues on other things. Sure, some of them could have been down to what I was blaming them on but I always thought there was something more. Just what was it?

All throughout winter this year I felt pretty low. Then when spring hit I found it hard to bring myself up still. I always blamed it on the weather. I was actually feeling very bored and frustrated a lot and that was bringing my mood down. After figuring this out I was keen to find out how to improve this. The doctor said I was depressed but I didn’t feel that it was the issue. There was something more going on. I found an extremely long forum post and began relating to so many things that people were sharing. The posts were really long except one which struck me. It said something like, ‘that sounds like me and I have ADHD maybe you do too.’ Perhaps the boredom and frustration I felt were down to a lack of dopamine. I’d always get upset that my life wasn’t constant excitement and so much struggle and dissatisfaction but just assumed that I was ungrateful. I also dismissed it at first because I wasn’t hyperactive.

Nonetheless, I opened up a new tab and started doing ADHD quizzes online. I was scoring very high for inattentive type ADHD. Misconceptions that I had about the disorder were blown out the window. It didn’t mean that I was stupid or lazy… boring everyday tasks are just extra boring to me because they don’t raise dopamine levels in the brain. It’s a learning disorder but you don’t need to have struggled at school to have had issues. Although I did struggle at school to some degree. I left homework to the last minute, crammed revision and pretty much winged my GCSEs. When I got 3As and lots of Bs I wondered why as I didn’t do much revision. I pretty much failed AS Levels because I couldn't cram revise them. I then quit college a few months in and only continued with the next course I took because it was easy to me. I tried to do Open University but struggled to actually sit down and do the work… and I still have lots to do before I get a degree… unsure that this will even happen now.

My biggest struggles in life have always been frustration and overwhelm. How were they related to ADHD? Well it turns out that they are the result of undiagnosed ADHD. In crowded places there is so much going on that I can’t filter out external noises, sounds and sights so I get overwhelmed easily. If I am well rested and have had lots of alone time it can be easier to cope in these situations. I’d rather sit alone with someone and have a conversation with one person in a quiet place than be somewhere with so many distractions. In these situations I start to get overwhelmed and frustrated and have a sudden urge to get away. If I don’t then I suffer and it is exhausting. This is why I hate crowds. I get lightheaded and feel like crying. This is a similar thing that autistic people suffer with - I got tested for this too and I am not.

A day at work can be overwhelming but I just have to get on with it. Plus I have many coping mechanisms. Being around lots of people, lots of noises and lots of talking is distracting and tiring and I always experience brain fog. That’s why I like to work alone or on a one to one basis. Some days I feel so out of it I have no idea how no one notices. But then again I am a quiet person - but a lot of that is due to ADHD and not introversion like I thought it was. I try to write emails and the page goes blurry. I have to read them through over and over again to avoid mistakes. Yet when I am sat here typing a blog post, with music in my ears, I am so focused and in control. It’s such a strange disorder. Put me in a meeting with a couple of people talking one at a time and I can have my say and be clear and focused. However, put me in a meeting with several others, all talking over each other and my brain can’t keep up. I find myself zoning out, getting brain fog and wanting to leave. It’s not pleasant and certainly lowers my self esteem. If I am in the same room as people arguing, I can’t find the amusing side like many others can - I just feel incredibly uncomfortable. This year I began sitting outside in my car on breaks for the peace and quiet and I actually feel so much more refreshed for doing so,

Sometimes I really can’t keep listening to people and I forget things easily. Sometimes this is mid sentence which is really embarrassing and, again, lowers my self confidence. I literally have to write everything down otherwise I never get round to doing anything and even then it is a struggle. My brain is so scattered and once I have gone off on a tangent I cannot find my way back and have to ask the person I am talking to what I was saying.

At home, I am messy (which is why minimalism has helped me a lot), which isn’t necessarily a bad thing just people have different standards. I wing instructions so I can’t cook well or put something together right without Carl coming to me and asking me if I have read the instructions properly and correcting me, which is why we fit together so well! Chores are difficult for me to complete even though I want to get them done, I am literally so unaware of my surroundings and forget things and bang into stuff all the time - even if it is right in front of me! Things bother me more than others including being too hot or too cold, being ill, uncomfortable fabrics, heeled shoes, being in pain and annoying people - all these things are such a distraction for me.

I LOVE TAKING PHOTOS THAT DEPICT THE EMOTION I AM FEELING

Since getting diagnosed I have come to a lot of realisations. I’ve also been really happy to know what has been causing me so much discomfort and now I can look at ways of treating it. So let me get into how I got diagnosed.

I went to my GP asking for a referral. He referred me after doing a depression score with me. However, I was not really depressed and was really annoyed when he had actually referred me to the IAPT services for counselling. I’ve been there before and I didn’t need that. I needed a proper diagnosis. I ended up going private. Even if I got a referral, it would have taken months to see a specialist through the NHS, especially as an adult. I found a doctor in Peterborough, not too far from me, and went to see him. The first session was £300 and the follow ups £200 each (have two of these). This isn’t something I would have gone along with usually but I was so sure that this is what I had and my happiness is so important to me. We are saving for a house so it has put it back again but this was more important and Carl highly agreed too.

The first appointment was an initial assessment. I took away some forms to fill out. Two for me, one for Carl and one for my Mum. I sent them back through email and the second appointment was going through a form called DIVA2. You get diagnosed with ADHD through something called NICE guidelines. I was diagnosed with moderate severity inattentive type ADHD. When I was told I had it I had thought that I would have been more emotional but I was actually starting to get a really bad cold and just sat in the office feeling lightheaded and out of it and wanted to leave so badly.

LOST, FRUSTRATED, BORED & TIRED

I agreed to trying medication but because of my anxiety, the doctor suggested I didn’t try a stimulant but atomoxitine, which works a little differently. I then suffered for a week and a half with a really bad cold and then a lot of worry about taking this medication, especially after reading about many bad experiences. I guess the virus put me in a bad place and I was unable to think positively. I also realised that ADHD was only a disorder because of the system that we live in. People with ADHD could thrive if the system (school, work, home life, expectations, etc making us feel inadequate) was different and more suited to us. Then I thought maybe I could make it work for me and treat it naturally through diet, exercise and meditation. So I decided I would think about it for a couple of days and do some research into natural ways of treating it. I then spent a couple of days in busy places. I was exhausted and the light outside was so bright and there were so many people around. I just couldn't take it and had to retreat to the car. One day we went home and the other day I sat alone in the car for half an hour, meditated and wrote down everything that went through my brain. The first day I felt bad for most of the day but the second day I felt so much calmer, cooler and recovered so much quicker. The difference was incredible. I now knew what to do to successfully feel better from these episodes that I once thought were just panic attacks. On the first day when this happened we came up with a pros and cons list for medication and overall it was worth trying. So I changed my mind about it. If I wanted to show up in the world and struggle less without having to completely change my lifestyle, then I should at least give it a try. I have to wait a couple of weeks for a blood test and ECG before I start taking it though. I am not looking forward to the side effects that so many people have but apparently if I stick with it they mostly disappear within a few weeks.

I think that this took so long for me to figure out because I had lots of physical issues for years that were down to food sensitivities. Actually, after a DNA test I found out that I had a sensitivity to certain drugs, including ibuprofen that could lead to gastro bleeding and stomach issues. I also believe antibiotics didn’t help the situation as after a kidney infection my stomach issues got so much worse. My symptoms were all over the place but after taking these foods out of my diet early this year and from taking antibiotics I feel so much better and calmer and was able to focus more on my mental health, which I neglected.

MY LOVE AND I

I understand that people don’t really get what ADHD is and I am kind of okay with that. It’s not my issue that they feel this way but I do want to educate people. If you don’t understand it then you aren’t purposefully ignorant - there is so much stigma and misunderstandings surrounding it that are fed to us. I am so relieved to finally understand why I am the way I am. I can accept myself more and not panic over why I am so different to many other people. I am also immensely grateful to have a wonderful partner and best friend who has been incredibly patient, understanding and caring towards me for the past 6 years. Carl is truly a huge positive grounding light in my life. I hear so many people complaining about their other half and I'm always thinking about how wonderful mine is.

LOOKING UP

I want to finish by talking about the good things about ADHD, as it isn’t all bad. I’m really creative. I get into this hyper focus mode where I am unstoppable doing something, especially if I am passionate about it. Sometimes I am so into something that I look at the clock and hours have passed and I have achieved so much. I get this incredible excitement for life sometimes and it’s like nothing else. I am conscientious and compassionate. Music has been my saviour since I was ten years old. I couldn’t go anywhere without my portable CD player and then mp3 player to drown out external sounds and to help me focus. Music has been the one thing that has been consistently helpful in my life. I love so many different types and I mean I really LOVE it and almost in an addictive way. It is so powerful. I have recently bought some noise cancelling earphones so when I am out I can go back to drowning out sounds. The feelings I get when I am meditating are so blissful. I know others find it helpful but when I do it I swear I have better experiences than other people. No input in my brain is wonderful. One of the reasons that I get overwhelmed is because there is just too much input that I can’t filter any of it out. That is why I love being in nature. Natural sounds, no people or distractions and green stuff are heavenly to me. Sometimes being me can be funny and when I am not frustrated, I laugh at myself a lot. I am quite different to other people, internally at least, and I see that wherever I go. This can be a good and bad thing. I have always been super free spirited and a dreamer. I crave freedom and doing things my way. However, I still need structure otherwise I struggle to do absolutely anything.

NATURE IS MY DRUG

ADHD is a part of me and I choose to embrace it and not try to fight it. Welcome to my overstimulated, overwhelming, scattered, bright and colourful mind. I hope I have shed some light on this misunderstood disorder. This post makes me feel like I am coming out or something. Just writing it has made me feel so good,,, or maybe that is the 6 and a half hours I have spent with my earphones in... who knows XD.