From INFP to INTP

I came up with the title to this video that I wanted to film and then I decided to take a shower and get ready to film it. It's almost 4pm at this point. It's my third day without caffeine and the right side of my head was throbbing a little less. I thought that maybe a shower would help. I was expecting the headache to completely dissolve after giving in to a serving of caffeine but it still remained as a reminder of me giving in. However, my energy levels improved, my focus sharpened and the brain fog vanished. I had been laying on the sofa all day watching Gilmore Girls to pass the time. Maybe I will cut back slowly or I won't fully give it up. The anxiety and acid reflux were the reasons why I was trying to give it up. Perhaps it was also causing the occasional sleepless night. Yet these things happened sporadically. Sometimes they didn't happen at all and I'd have a surge of energy and the motivation to do something and here I am.

But this video isn't about caffeine. I jumped into the shower and yes it did make me feel better and there were all these thoughts popping into my head and can't exactly write them down in the shower. I was afraid of losing them. Often what happens is I will start to make a video and they will be gone and I will make much less sense than I wanted to. I will think these are great ideas and a few hours later I'll be gone and no one will get to hear them. I'm not even sure that anyone wants to hear them. I'm either too humble or believe I am invaluable or that no one will care about what I have to say. I believe that my fear and many of my fears and insecurities come from both my secondary school experience and my inferior extraverted feeling. But anyway, on to the topic at hand.

Several years ago I typed myself, or should I say a system known as 16personalities.com typed me after I answered some basic questions and of course the result I got was INFP. I'd take other tests too and I'd get INFP again and again. Years later in 2020, at the age of 29, I'd take a test that would type me as INTP after I was mad as I'd spilt a drink on my laptop. That's when things got interesting.

I know MBTI isn't awfully scientific being subjective and all that, but there was something about it that I couldn't let go. I joined INFP Facebook groups and watched videos on INFPs. I took them literally just like someone who truly believes in horoscopes might. When people compare MBTI to horoscopes it makes me cringe a lot. Anyway, through MBTI I came to understand myself as a creative person who likes to escape through my imagination. I've been doing more creative endeavours and oh how I enjoy them. I explored nature a lot and used my imagination to enjoy them even more. My inner child was certainly happy. I opened up my Etsy shop, I saw myself as a kind person and perhaps even became kinder as a result. I started to seek meaning in life in a variety of ways because I had always considered life to be a struggle. I got emotional often believing that this was part of myself being an INFP, failing to realise that I was dealing with something a lot bigger.

Two years later I discovered I had inattentive type ADHD. I had spent a lot of time feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, empty, bored, lost and anxious. Many of these feelings were hard for me to deal with. Of course being emotional doesn't automatically mean that you're a feeling type. Everyone feels emotions. Emotional regulation was something most people with ADHD deal with, as were many of the feelings I was dealing with. When I started medication my emotional issues improved greatly, which was amazing.

I never really understood the cognitive functions. I could, however, understand how I used extraverted intuition, which both INFPs and INTPs have as their second function. It was what made my life fun and interesting but when I would take away the possibilities the excitement would go with it. My self esteem lessened, the meaning I thought would make me feel more fulfilled would just disappear when I knew deep down that I had created it all in my mind and that reality was harsh. There was no real meaning to life at least on my perspective. I was constantly fighting between what was real and what was imaginary. Could I not just face the truth? Was it not just too depressing? Why did I need a form of escapism to be happy or to make life meaningful? When exploring nature, creating things and believing in a fantasy world (i.e. using my imagination) was taken away from me I just felt darkness.

I can't connect with people like many seem to be able to. I'm more of an observer than a participant. It's rare for me to find someone that I want to spend time with other than the times I am forced to or feel obligated to. On the odd occasion I do and our relationship becomes more than a casual connection, as I think about it more than the time I spend with the person wondering if they feel the connection or if I am just another person to them. I have long conversations with them in my head which don't meet these expectations when they happen in reality. I can't tell people at least with ease how I'm feeling when I'm struggling. The vulnerability is so uncomfortable to me. Years later I still believe they are judging me based on something that they've probably forgotten, but if someone causes me emotional discomfort it can get triggered every time I see them (e.g. if I witness an argument).

I saw myself through this INFP filter yet a personality type isn't fully who I am. I see how naïve I was now. There's many reasons I mistyped but I want to focus on one thing in particular. Not only did I mistype myself but now I know my true type I've had many people through YouTube disagree with me. I know someone who I see quite a bit who I have known for several years who posts videos online and they almost seem like a different person. You can put any version of yourself real or fake online and the person watching often will just believe it's the real you. There's also another reason as to why you can't accurately type someone based on either one or even a few YouTube videos. The way I interact with other people is different to the way I act sat by myself talking to a camera. I've been really trying to be myself and not put on a persona but these are one sided conversations I am having. In a room full of people I seem different. I'm normally not talking. If my social anxiety isn't too bad, if my self esteem isn't too low, if I actually have social energy and I'm fairly comfortable, I seem different as well. If I am talking one on one with someone who I really get along with, I also can seem different.

My partner an ENTJ doesn't match many of the stereotypes perceived online but he is not and cannot be any other type. I am sure of this. I've checked multiple times using several typing systems and the ENTJ box is the only one he fits somewhat into. I've even had him check as well.

In most cases I adore INFPs. Their empathy, imagination and pureness is admirable. However, when I really thought about those of this type that I knew, both personally and through YouTube videos, I didn't match the stereotypes. When I created I didn't have one style like many INFPs have, I didn't real feel for people in the genuine way they seem to and I certainly didn't judge someone by the values that I had. In reality, I don't match many of their traits. In fact I mostly judge people by how much of what they are saying makes sense or not. When I do this and they don't make sense, I either find people annoying or amusing, which I don't think is something an INFP would do. I think they would only generally judge people by holding them up to their own values (this is just a guess). I have some INFP acquaintances and they generally make me feel quite soft inside and they themselves seem to be soft inside. I don't feel that I have this effect on others or that I am personally very soft inside.

When I'd be working on something it would bother me a great deal when I'd be interrupted. (sorry my tense is all over the place) I wasn't happy to help at work or even at home, at least when I was really focused on something and I'd just want to be left alone, although I would try to appear polite. I smiled at things that weren't funny and when I became exhausted from that I'd switch off and ignore everyone around me. I'd get angry when bothered but would hold in the emotion or try to switch them off until they'd come out at home. I didn't want to feel them. After an outburst I'd probably cry and feel better and move on still actually unaware of the reason for feeling the way that I did. When stressed in any way I become a hermit shutting everybody out. I'd ignore phone calls and wouldn't visit any family.

I struggle to feel myself around people because I'd size them up and act accordingly to how they would want me to be, avoiding conflicting opinions and not standing up for what I believe in. These things right here are the product of inferior extraverted feeling in action, which is something INTPs possess but INFPs do not.

Remember what I said about losing really good thoughts? Well, some of them are now gone. Great! Also now my partner needs me to check something on my online insurance account whilst I am in the middle of writing and I am annoyed. Just another example of how inferior Fe plays out in my life and of course I've forgotten my password, more inconveniences. I hate doing things out of obligation. I just get so annoyed that I will just stop doing it or will resent the person who is wanting me to do something for them. It's different when I get something out of it too like a close relationship but it's a sure fire way for me to resent a family member even though often it was my own fault. I need a t-shirt that says do not disturb or a way of shutting people out completely. I don't even need to be in a bad mood to feel so annoyed when disturbed. My go to emotion when hurt isn't sadness or crying, it's anger. Most of the time I keep it hidden inside unless I am alone. Heavy metal usually helps as does being left alone.

It's like my introverted thinking is just focused on figuring stuff out and my extraverted intuition is like 'yeah possibilities' but when you take away the possibilities and face the truth of our existence, or at least the truth I've been running from, it's just darkness and suffering (or meaningless). Then I realised that without any of the prior suffering (that I had due to untreated ADHD, anxiety, depression, chronic illness I had), that there is only ever meaning and purpose if I add it into my life. If I do spend time with people I really connect with, engage my extraverted intuition more, whether that's in conversation or when I am alone, I can't deny that I do need people in my life. But I don't need a lot of people time. I tolerate most people and I like only a few and maybe that's the way it should be. I need to spend time alone to process my ideas and thoughts but I want what I do to not be meaningless. I want to help people and be valued because of it.

INTP fits. At least now I understand more theory and base MBTI less on stereotypes. We know it's hard to type people because there are so many sites and forums online where people cannot agree on certain peoples types. People are multifaceted and influenced by more things than genetics. Some are permanently stressed, some trying to be someone they are not and some are unsure of who they are. So if we are going to put people into one of sixteen boxes, let's perhaps not try to stereotype them.

Many people in my life have called me smart. No one has ever called me stupid or insinuated it in any way that I've noticed. It's easy for me to achieve high quality in my work and I learn systems, procedures and how to use programs and equipment very quickly. However, my anxiety and people skills have always held me back in life. I don't really feel smart as I struggle to say my thoughts out loud and concisely if I haven't thought about things enough. I can be socially awkward and take things literally, which apparently is amusing to some people. This doesn't really make me feel smart. It makes me self-critical or maybe that's my Ti analysing myself too harshly.

I want to believe in some things and when I try to, my brain tries to rationalise it. If I come across a piece of information that makes it seem illogical, then I find it hard to ever believe that thing again. If it was enjoyable to me, I have to rationalise it somehow by believing that it's just play or a part of my imagination. Yet I know the truth and it can take away the magic of it which can be depressing.

When I found that I was an INTP, my confidence improved as I felt more self-aware than I ever had. I looked back at my teenage years pre-INFP diagnosis and before my years of seeking and I came to understand a lot about who I am. I am still seeking purpose in life but I have also found it in many forms already. I just haven't found that one thing that I want to be spending my time working on. I do have an idea of what it is and I am just trying to narrow it down. I'm nearly thirty years old and almost ready to move into the next phase of my life. I want to buy a house, take care of myself better and do what's fulfilling to me. I want to continue to grow. I have a friend who always talks about her Facebook memories and then whenever I look back at mine and at what I'd posted years ago, I cringe. Someone told me that's because I have grown a lot.

Some tips if you aren't sure of your type:

- Ask your partner if you have one to help you

- Notice how you act when you are stressed and annoyed, try to figure out what causes you to feel that way and try and find out what types you match based on this

- Throw out the stereotypes

- Read a lot (articles and books) and watch a lot of YouTube videos

When I first found out that I could be an INTP, I spent the first few nights researching rather than sleeping. My partner usually goes to bed later than me and he was coming into the bedroom whilst I was on my phone or laptop researching and he'd make me go to bed because I work long shifts and have to be up very early. So I'd get snuggled up and then my mind didn't want to shut off and so I'd still be lying there processing everything. Then at work I'd be processing more and thinking about what I'd read and I'd be on my phone on every break doing even more research. I'd barely slept but it didn't bother me. My energy came from wanting to know more, understand more and figure out the problem at hand.

I like MBTI and especially the cognitive functions because it helps you to grow and it's always been very clear to me that my life has been a personal growth journey. One day I'll be wiser than I am today and hopefully I can share that knowledge and help other people to grow. Hopefully in some form of a book. It's what I aim for anyway.

I've heard a theory that our fears are based on our inferior functions. Inferior thinkers are afraid of not being or appearing smart whereas inferior feelers are afraid of not being liked or valued by others and I think this has some merit to it so I thought I'd share that.

Anyway, I wanted to share this just as I've shared my journey in bits and pieces throughout videos. You've come to see how I've gradually become more and more closer to accepting myself and it's great for me to have that on record even if in years to come it makes me cringe. Now I've done a lot of reading into my type I can use it as a starting point to help me figure out what direction I can take my life to next and how I can grow into my best self. It's also helped me to realise and accept that I am multifaceted and have multiple sides and interests. I want to pursue one topic or one question but I'm not sure exactly what that is yet but I won't stop trying and thinking about different things until I do. I'll always be questioning my idea of meaning, belief and forms of escaping and I'll throw away old beliefs as I learn more. This is ultimately how we grow.

Some quotes I resonate with:

'When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be' - Lao Tzu

'I'd rather be whole than good' - Carl Jung

Also I want to mention that reading books on INTPs solidified the fact that I am an INTP. There are some recommendations in the video description.