Adult ADHD - The Root Of All My Problems?

Two days ago I was frantically searching the internet yet again to find others who felt as lost and empty as I did, and to try to find a way to fix myself. I found myself in a really interesting forum with long and in depth comments, but it was a teeny tiny one that struck me, 'Maybe you have ADHD. I do and that is how I feel.' Believing that I didn't I still thought it was worth looking a little further into and two days later here I am, flooded with information that has all blown my mind and made me re-evaluate my entire existence. Suddenly there is meaning to it all. Have I really found out the cause of of my suffering?

From a young age it was obvious, to me anyway, that I was different to the other kids. I sure did feel it. From the outside, at school, I always appeared this shy introverted girl with her head in the clouds. I had a few friends but on the inside I felt like they were just people I spoke to, minus a couple of close friends, and truthfully I felt like an outsider. I always did pretty well at school, in particular secondary school. I was mostly a B student, with a few As, but I used to 'wing' every exam. I never misbehaved because I didn't want any attention brought to my differences. I felt like everyone was constantly judging me and I struggled to be myself in front of anyone who I didn't feel close to. At some point I had completely dismissed that idea that I could have ADHD because I wasn't the kid always made to stand outside of the classroom because they were so disruptive. Little did my ignorant mind know that there were different forms of ADHD and it shows up differently in different people.

When I hit my late teens I began acting a little more out there. I got a tattoo, would get high on energy drinks and sugar to be more fun around others, and went on a journey of exploring who I was, without many answers. I wanted to constantly explore new things and go to new places but never really had a direction in life. I did a year of AS Levels at school and failed. You couldn't 'wing' those. I started going to a college in another town and dropped out after 3 months. I then joined the college near my home and that one stuck because I realised I had to do something with my life and I found the course really easy but then again, I was never stupid, just unmotivated. A couple of years later I begun Open University at home. The first couple of years weren't very challenging and easy to 'wing' but you can guess how I got on after that.

In my early twenties I would try time and time again to get that high feeling of excitement and I sure found it in many different ways. Then I started to get sick with several different symptoms and this lasted for several years. I had suffered with my stomach in my teenage years too and then all of a sudden I was getting more and more things wrong with me that couldn't be explained. A couple of years ago I cut down my gluten intake, and discovered that it helped a lot. I took a food sensitivity test and found out that I was somewhat sensitive to about 20 different foods. I had a damaged gut and certain foods were causing an immune response reaction and that was causing most of my symptoms. I had felt out of it for years and once I had cut out all of those foods and started probiotics, I was feeling 90% better.

For all of those years I had suffered with my health, I developed health anxiety and would have panic attacks over the way I felt so I was constantly in my head. Once most of these issues went away and I started getting back to normality, I realised how unfulfilling I found it. I didn't want to live a normal life. I would get so down over wanting to travel and have daily adventures just to feel like I had passion and purpose. In the winter I felt so lifeless. My life was not fulfilling, which was the reason for my internet search the other day. When I was doing the things I loved, I felt focused and happy and high on life. When I wasn't, I felt as there was no meaning. I felt as though there was no point in doing chores because they didn't make me happy. I felt that a normal life of going to work and coming home just to watch TV and go to bed and do it all over again was a torturous way to live. Mundane and simple was never my ideal of happy but I could never understand why millions of people were content living that way. Were they all faking it or was there something wrong with me?

After taking a few online tests I was so surprised that I was highly likely to have ADHD and most likely the attention deficit kind. I always thought that I was just lazy and unmotivated in many ways. I checked the 'agree' boxes to say that I was impulsive, hated routine and craved change, hardly ever follow instructions (except at work), have lots of ideas, have trouble starting things, sticking to things and finishing things (probably the one thing I would change about myself if I could) and that when people talk I struggle to listen and end up thinking about everything else that is going on except what the person is saying. I hate that about myself. I always told myself that I was a good listener but the truth is I have to try really hard.

In the past couple of days there have been just so many different realisations I have had. My moods are always so up and down that I knew that something wasn't right. I also get this thing where my mind 'floods' with one emotion, usually some kind of anger or frustration. It literally takes over and I am devoid of all rational thought and either have to scream or cry to get it out or suppress it until it builds up at another time. When out in crowded restaurants, or coffee shops, I often feel anxious because of all these things going on around me. My brain just can't process them all at once even though it tries to and I end up overwhelmed and needing alone time. I can never fully immerse myself in an experience such as a concert because I am usually so distracted by the annoying people around me that I sometimes think that it is better just to lay in bed with my earphones in. I have about four different books on the go and I'd be lucky if I even finish one of them. I lose things all the time, in particular by phone. More often than not it is in my car or I am sat on it but I never remember. So many times I forget what I was talking about mid sentence and have to rely on the other person so tell me. That makes me feel really stupid.

ADHD is so not what I thought it was and it was also something I never thought I would ever say I had. These things I suffer with are not just personality traits like I originally thought, they are the consequences of a lack of dopamine in the brain (and some other imbalances - I am still learning). There is something wrong with my brain chemistry. However, these things literally make me who I am and many of the things such as my spontaneity and my excitement for many things in life are what I enjoy the most. I have also read about many benefits of having it. Hyper focus over things sufferers are passionate about it a real strength and I love being in that moment where nothing else matters. That being said, I would probably give medication a go and I am seeking a therapist.

Literally whilst writing this I have opened up seven new tabs about different things and complained about my dog banging his chew against the door several times and lost my train of thought many more. In the mean time, I am going to head to my GP this week and try to get a referral to get diagnosed. Today I am content knowing that I am not a lost cause. Wish me luck!